Oh! Hello! I was not expecting thee so soon! I assume thou art one of my many peasants, and I have a strict rule forbidding peasants to look me in the eye under penalty of death 😉 but I will make an exception for thee today. So thou have probably never actually met me before, I am King Reginald of Shropshire, and I am your King. Some of my hobbies include slaying dragons, drinking mead, and grilling up some hot dogs on the beach. But recently, I had the local wizard MerMac create your mighty King a device which he has called a “computer.” It has the light of a thousand candles! My favorite thing to do on this “computer” is spend all day browsing FaceParchment.com, hooking up with some old warriors from knight school that I have not talked to in like FOREVER! (btw, Sir Gallahad has gotten faaaaaaat…!) But MerMac only conjured up two programs for me, Minesweep and Ye Ole Photoshop. Having gotten instantly frustrated with Minesweep, I then focused my attention on Ye Ole Photoshop, WHICH I FELL IN LOVE WITH. Let me show thee what I’m up to today.
I’m going to start this crusade of creativity by taking a painting of my bitter rival, King Westbury of Killingham, into Ye Ole Photoshop:
Pretty stupid looking isn’t he? Well, last month he sent me a roasted boar, cuz I finally thought he was being cool FOR ONCE… But when I bit into it, it was filled with hot tar… It took a fortnight to pry thy royal jaw back open. So now I’m going to get even with that scoundrel. I’ll start by using a Lasso to isolate his jerkstore face. This is the same Lasso that I’m sure you use to round up my many royal livestock to prepare them for my mighty feasts, so you should be good at using it, you lowlife knave!
If thou art a skilled artist in thou’s spare time, thou might be able to use thee regular Lasso, but my hands are often shaky after a night of drinking grog, so I must resort to thy polygonal Lasso.
Since we only have to do a rough job right now, because I will show thou unworthy self how to clean it up later, you could also use thy very interesting magnetic Lasso. I have been trying to get my alchemist to work with magnetics for months now, but he keeps saying, “I’ll do it tomorrooooooowwwww…” I think I’ll finally have him beheaded. But thy magnetic lasso is righteous because thy Lasso will intelligently conform to thy edge of what thou are trying to draw around, at least getting thee very easily and very quickly in thy joust park.
So now that we have his ugly face selected (you can tell by the magic ants that will be circling his face), it is now the hour to do the evil deed for which we set out to do. I carefully selected this painting from one of my 3rd wife’s gossip scrolls:
Now select thy bow and Arrow tool and drag King Westbury’s face onto the painting of the traveling actors. It won’t be the correct size, so type in the magic spell “CTRL T” which will cast a Transform enchantment on his face. Then adjust it so it roughly fits over the face of the fair maiden.
If you noticed, the large bulbous face of that jerk has covered up the front portion of the maiden’s golden hair. So now it’s time to go back to the original painting of the stage folk and Lasso once again, this time the front portion of the hair. You must be somewhat precise this time in your Lasso, at least on the front strands, the back can be rough if you’d like, since it will end up covering similar areas.
Once you have finished your trace, go back to the bow and Arrow tool and drag the hair of the maiden from the original painting onto the new painting with King Westbury’s face, BUT, before you get too hasty, make sure to cast a doppleganger spell by holding down SHIFT whilst dragging. Since both paintings are the same dimensions, thou can make it so the hair lands in the exact same place in both paintings.
Now his forehead is protruding like a mongoloid, so cast an Eraser spell on that area of his face.
Then you could cast a zoom spell on the painting to get a closer look, and try to match the skin color of Westbury’s face on the visible neck of the maiden, using the Paintbrush. Thou art a regular Michelangelo!
Now it’s time to take care of the second ear splurging out of his neck there, that actually belongs to the lass. Use the sorcery known as the Clone Stamp, and type in an OPTION spell on the hair above the ear, then magically grow hair over the spare ear.
Bwahaha, much better!
Now to make things smoother, cast a 15% Blur spell over the front part of the hair, where it connects with Westbury’s terrible skin. And between you and me, I wish I could cast a blur spell on my 5th wife’s face, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! AM I RIGHT FELLAS, AM I RIGHT??
Now that the hair looks alright, it’s time to focus on his jaundiced skin, I mean maybe go to Ye Ole Dermatologist sometime buddy, AM I RIGHT? We will fix it for him by conjuring up the Image menu, then casting an Adjustment spell, followed by the wizardry known as Hue/Saturation.
Cast a -10 Hue spell to create more of the correct color, then cast a -42 Saturation spell to make him look more human. Sometimes I wish I could cast a +100 Saturation spell on my 9th wife’s meat loaf, could it be any MORE dry? AM I RIGHT FELLAS??
Then to make him seem more in the painting, change the sun itself by casting a shadow spell. Click on the Layer Style box in the bottom right corner of the computer image, and cast Drop Shadow. Change the angle of the sun, and the size of the shadow, to make it seem like Westbury is actually there!
Alas, we are complete! Bwahaha! Now it not only looks as if King Westbury is dressed in women’s garments, but it also appears as if he is having personal relations with the famous Irish jester Colin Farrell…! Just wait until the other guys at the Round Table see this! They will be up in arms! (grabs belly with both hands) HOHOHOHO HAHAHAHA!
(door flies open)
Prince Jacob of Killingham – “Yo yo yo, what’s happening this side of da castle, King Reggie?”
King Reginald of Shropshire – (quickly covers computer screen with arm) “Oh, oh, nothing, nothing at all…”
Prince Jacob of Killingham – “Wow, MerMac made you a magic wizard box as well? Oh man, I’ve got to show you this ThouTube video of Lancelot trying to do a 1080 on his carriage, but thusly ends up injuring his genitals! It’s royally hilarious!” (starts to walk over there)
King Reginald of Shropshire – “No, don’t come any closer!”
Prince Jacob of Killingham – “HEY! That’s my father’s face! But the body of a maiden! And this clearly indicates personal relations with Colin Farrell… I mean he’s a big fan of Mr. Farrell, but not in that kind of way! How dare you disgrace my bloodline like that! You shall not get away with this! HIIIIIIYYYYYAAAAAAAA!”
King Reginald of Shropshire – “Pffffffft. Really? You call that an attack? One color of blood? No spray? The knife is coming in at a horizontal angle? Look at the hard edge of the incision… There isn’t even any internal bleeding or change in my expression… Where did you learn to stab…? …Microsoft Paint?
Let me show you how it’s done. HUUUUUUYYYYYYAAAAAAA!”
King Reginald of Shropshire – “Bwahaha, now THAT is how you stab, the Ye Ole Photoshop way! I really showed you! Now I need to make some copies of this painting on my weave to show off to my bros. Then I need to — ”
(door flies open)
Wife #7 – “Oh my lord, look at this mess! This will take me all night to clean up!”
King Reginald of Shropshire – “What are you doing here?”
Wife #7 – “Oh, sorry, I was just going to tell you dinner was almost ready…”
King Reginald of Shropshire – “Wife #7, let me explain something to you. Whenever thou come in here to thy royal home office and interrupt me, you’re breaking my royal concentration. Thou art distracting me. And it will then take me many hourglasses to get back to where I was. Thou understand?
Wife #7 – “yes…”
King Reginald of Shropshire – “Now, we’re going to make a new royal decree. When thou come in here and thou hear me casting typing spells,
(makes sarcastic face while doing over-exaggerated typing motions)
or whether you DON’T hear me casting typing spells, or whatever the ORC you hear me doing; when I’m in here, it means that I am working, THAT means don’t come into thy royal home office. Now, do thou think thou can handle that?”
Wife #7 – “yes… sorry my liege…”
King Reginald of Shropshire – Good. Now why don’t thou start right now and get the orc out of here? Hm?
(Wife #7 leaves the room)
Wenches… Can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em… AM I RIGHT FELLAS, AM I RIGHT??